Jokes Pages
Even though we're not actively adding new jokes to the jokes pages, we wanted to keep them available just in case we needed a chuckle now and then. There are so many great jokes pages throughout the internet! Hope you have a chance to visit some of them. Some of these jokes originated on other sites. The reference info. about those places has been left intact when it was available. Have fun!
1. The Pope on a plane . . .
OK, so the Pope is on a plane doing a crossword puzzle. He asks the guy sitting
next to him if he knows a four letter word ending in "u - n - t" that means a
female person. The guy recognizes the Pope and thinks fast. He doesn't want to be offensive to the Pope, so he
spells out, "a - u - n -t". The Pope looks down at his crossword, shakes his head, turns his pencil around and starts erasing one of the squares.
2. Musical instruments . . .
What's the difference between a Harley and a banjo? You can tune a Harley.
3. But did he still look good?
The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
4. Fishy story . . .
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
5. Good walls make good neighbors . . .
Three students, a student from Kansas State, a student from Oklahoma and a student from Nebraska, are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and out pops a genie. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Kansas St. student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want a wall built around Kansas so that no one can come in and disrupt our fertile ground." With a blink of the genie's eye, "POOF," and Kansas's fertile grounds were forever sealed off from the rest of the world. The Oklahoma student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Oklahoma so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school. And none of our Athletic Department can leave, we will forever have a great team."
Again, with the blink of the genie's eye, "POOF," there was a huge wall around Oklahoma.
The Nebraska student says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about these walls." The genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the areas they requested. No one can get in or out."
The Nebraska student says, "Fill 'em with water."
6. Traveler's Tale . . .
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?
"Show him your cross", says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking", says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!!"
7. Careful what you wish for . . .
Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The
driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the
stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop
answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over, you better
have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says,
"I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check
on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks
around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down
the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,
"Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks,
"Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two
miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole
would've tried that shit with me!"
Back to top.
8. Sniffer Dog
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a
dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sitting in the middle, and the
first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that
they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man,
"Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you
once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and
levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He
tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the
aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat
and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He
turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will
apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first
man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both
paws on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the
first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of this, and the seat number." "That's marvelous, I've never
seen anything like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog
to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits
down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and
craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this,
and asks "What in the world is going on?" The handler replies,
"He's just found a bomb!"
9. Wedded bliss
A biker left for work one Friday morning but, being payday, instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his
entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was
confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a
tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and
simply said to him, "How would you like it if you couldn't see me for two or
three days?" To which he replied "That would be fine with me!!"
Monday went by and he didn't see her, Tuesday and Wednesday came and went
and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough
where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
10. Top Ten in history
Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate:
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -Mayor of Hiroshima
09)
"Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -Custer
08)
"Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein
07)
"It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -Picasso
06) "How the
*&%# did you work that out?" -Pythagorus
05) "You want WHAT on
the *&%#ing ceiling?" -Michaelangelo
04) "I don't suppose it's
gonna *&%#ing rain." -Joan of Arc
03) "Scattered
*&%#ing
showers...my ass!" -Noah
02) "I need this parade like I need a
*&%#ing hole in my head!" -JFK
01) "Aw, c'mon, who the
*&%#
is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton
11. Money tree
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and
reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll
display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington
for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Ricky
Martin for a million dollars. Then ask your older brother if would he sleep
with Puff Daddy for five million dollars, and tell me what you've
learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Denzel Washington?" His mother
looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't
tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's
room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you
sleep with Ricky Martin?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod!
Definitely!" Then he goes to his brother's room and says "Bro,
if someone gave you five million dollars would you sleep with Puff Daddy?"
His brother says, "If you tell anyone I'll kill you, but yeah, I
would." The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I
think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on seven millions bucks,
but in reality, we're living with two hoes and a homo"!
12. An Old Favorite . . .
A new prisoner in the penitentiary is in with a bunch of old timers and notices
an odd ritual going on among the inmates. During dinner and other times, some
one will suddenly look around at the other guys and say, ". . #37",
or some other number, apparently at random. The other guys will all grin,
or sometimes laugh. He asks somebody what is going on. "Well, we've all
been here so long, that we've all heard everybody's jokes many times. So we've
just assigned numbers to each of them. Now we just say the number instead of
bothering with the whole joke." The new guy decides to give it a try. At
dinner he looks around and says, ". . #54!" But no one smiles or laughs.
He asks the fellow next to him, "What's wrong? Did I pick a bad joke?"
The other guy shakes his head and says, "Well, don't take it wrong, but some
people can tell 'em and some people can't."
|
